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Why Do Smart Men and Women Struggle at Dating?

There are a variety of reasons why a smart person struggle with dating. The two reasons covered in this article are the most consistent culprits. For those of you who do not feel compelled to read this from start to finish the two reasons are: 1) They spend more time on achievement than relationships, and 2) they have a sense of entitlement.

1) Smart people have difficulty with dating because the focus of their life has always been on achievement, and not relationship building growing up.

Smart kids typically come from educated families. Educated families are almost always achievement-oriented. Bring home straight As, get accepted into those top tier universities, make a massive income by becoming a professional is the name of the game. Take piano, violin, tennis, swimming, and ski lessons for those trips to the Swiss Alps. Win every award, be at the top of the class and strive to be a well-rounded individual.

If you happen to be a talented person, obviously you should work on developing those abilities. At the same time though, there is an opportunity cost with a super focus mentality on achievement. Time spent reading, doing homework, and practicing the piano is time not spending doing other things – like dating, which in all truth is what really helps making you into a well-rounded person.

The advantage of course with all this achievement is that you get accepted in an elite institution, but you also get to keep doing what you got there. Which does not include dating. Dating is at best something that falls into the spare cracks of time you have, somewhere between singing lessons and the model UN.

Without dating as a young person, things only get perpetually more difficult for smart people when they graduate. They now have less time, less social skills, and no real experiencing being someones significant other. With this frustration, it leads me into the next reason why smart people struggle with dating:

2. Smart people believe that they are entitled to love because you could not be interested in someone so amazing as them? In fact they are doing you a favor by talking to you. You should feel lucky to be in their presence.

For most of their lives, smart people live in a seemingly fair and meritocratic world. If they dedicate themselves to doing the hard work, they get amazing results. Good results mean income, recognition, and other forms of positive reinforcement such as respect from peers and love from parents.

Yet they do not apply this mentality to the world of intimate relations. They believe that by virtue of their character and accomplishments that in and of itself will lead to a romantic relationship. They do not realize that intimacy and relationships take work, it takes the same kind of dedicated work ethic as they apply to other areas of their life.

Here is the big secret: your romantic success is only partially tied your accomplishment. The other part of the equation is how you make the other person feel. Making someone feel a particular way is a somewhat a non direct process that takes a different form of excellence than that of Math or Science.

To put it another way, you need to earn how to love. How to be a boyfriend. How to be a girlfriend. The truth of the situation is no parent or college professor can college can teach you this. It is something learned by doing. Reflecting on the results you achieved. Taking an honest inventory. Then applying the appropriate changes to make things better.

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