Selfishness to a relationship is like adding hot sauce to cake batter; it doesn’t quite go, and just ruins the entire thing. Love is not selfish in the sense that when you love someone, you are concerned about their well being before yours. It is only selfish in the sense that you depend on the person you love to love you in return, and since you are both loving on each other, the relationship stands strong, like a card house.
Now, that’s very ideal; a relationship where two people just unconditionally love each other at the exact same level throughout the entire relationship, and with that perception, some people tend to think that these two individuals will never have a conflict or disagreement because they’ll be so caught up in the clouds of love to even get to that point. And then reality hits hard when you realize that conflict is inevitable. Two people can never think exactly the same about every situation for the rest of their lives, and sometimes when that conflict takes place, the love seems to not feel so intense. It’s during these moments where you test your love and find out if you are truly selfish if you pay attention.
Selfishness is the opposite of love in a relationship. If the Bible describes love as being patient, kind, long-suffering, and enduring to the end, then know that selfish people do not do these things for their relationships. Selfish people make horrible mates because they’re only trying to protect themselves, and they don’t realize that they hurt the other person in the process. And many times, they don’t even realize what they’re doing. People who have been hurt in past relationships, have insecurities, have watched, grown up in, or experienced abusive partners in their past, usually still want to be in a happy and loving relationship, but when they find someone who is great for them, they have no idea how to make that person a part of their life because they’ve set their walls so high and so wide, that even they don’t know how to take them down. In the end, they will miss out on what they’ve been hoping and praying for, because eventually that other person will run out of patience.
No one wants to open up to someone who can’t or doesn’t want to open up to them. That’s not love, that’s not even like. You can’t even make friends that way. That’s called a lack of trust, and people who use the excuse “I have trust issues”, shouldn’t be trying to find someone to be in a relationship with because they’re also being selfish. You’re the one with the trust issue, not the person that you’re with, so why should they open up to you and depend on you for love and affection if you can’t show them that they can do the same for you. It’s like opening your home to a complete stranger, giving them access to sleep in your bed, eat in your kitchen, play with your children, shower in your bathroom, but you have no idea where they live, what they do, etc. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone like that? Not even the ones with “trust” issues would want to deal with someone who didn’t trust them, so why do they think it’s okay to pursue anyone else? Deal with your trust issues alone and when you are able to open your heart to someone, then you are worth someone else’s time and patience. Relationships require enough patience dealing with the everyday conflicts that all relationships have, the last thing you need to do is bring your additional baggage into it and make your mate pay for the mistakes of your past failed relationships. Stop being selfish!
Everyone has issues, they’re not all exactly the same, but I guarantee that everyone will go into their relationship with issues. And when you were single, they were probably not issues at all. As a single woman, it was perfectly fine for you to blow most of your paycheck purchasing home décor for your place, or on shoes. As a single man, it was perfectly fine for you to walk into the house and change clothes in the middle of the living room and just have piles of dirty laundry laying around the house until you were ready to do the laundry. Single people make their own rules with regard to no one but themselves, they are their household, but when you’re in a relationship with someone, some of the things that you thought were okay before, aren’t necessarily going to be okay anymore, because now you have someone else’s feelings and concerns to be aware of. For example, many single guys are very friendly, and love to flirt, and as a single male, why not?! How else will you even meet a woman if you don’t give one any attention? But many guys don’t realize that once they’ve found the female that they want to be in a relationship with, those ultra friendly flirtatious ways with other females needs to cease out of respect for your woman, unless you’re perfectly fine with her drawing attention from other guys, and if that’s the case, what are you both doing?! Men and women have an issue with changing their ways sometimes, and when conflict arises, they have the tendency to point fingers and say that the other person is trying to change them. Change is necessary for any transition in life, and when you transition from being single to in a relationship, you better believe that change will take place, or you’ll find yourself keeping your single ways by being single again. Don’t be selfish; think about what will make your mate happy, and communicate to them what will make you happy and work on the health of your relationship if it’s worth it and that important to both of you.
Stubborn people are those who aren’t willing to change, and in a relationship that is also considered selfish for the reasons stated above. Change is necessary as you transition from being single to a relationship, and also from relationship to relationship because every person you deal with will be different, and what it took to make one mate happy at one point may take something different for another, and what one mate wasn’t willing to give to you for happiness, the other mate may unconditionally fulfill. Stubborn people tend to want to categorize their past mates so that they can assume the thoughts and actions of their present mate. They don’t want to have to change for anyone so they’ve already predicted the best and worse case scenario in their mind and they decide to react based on that rather than creating an opportunity to grow the relationship and learn something new about the person they’re with. Stubborn people are purely selfish people in a relationship because they truly just want things to be the way that is more comfortable and pleasing to them. They’re usually not willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your happiness, and you find yourself sacrificing much more than they ever will. These relationships usually last as long as the other person’s patience.
If you’ve recognized any of these cases in you or your mate, then do something to straighten it out because these cases will lead to the destruction of your relationship, and the root of it all is selfishness. You can not have a selfish person in a long lasting, healthy relationship. Ultimately, it will fail unless something improves. It’s an imbalance of love, and when that occurs, eventually the card house will fall over, and the cycle will continue until something changes.