People tell me that one of the things that was most valuable to them from my Soulmate Success Training program was learning about Dating Traps. Dating Traps are like a comfortable bed, easy to fall into, hard to get out of. Dating Traps can keep you from finding a healthy fulfilling relationship. Like any trap, once you know it’s there and how to recognize it, it’s a lot easier to stay out of it. And staying out of it in the first place is a lot easier than falling in it and having to crawl out! So let me describe one of the most common dating traps, The Chemistry Trap.
Nearly every single male I talk to, and many females, tell me that first and foremost there must be chemistry between us. This is what I call The Chemistry Trap. You fall into The Chemistry Trap when you make relationship choices based on feelings of attraction or chemistry and ignore other factors.
I hear this from singles all the time. One woman told me, “Well, when I first met him the chemistry was so strong that I figured we were just meant to be together.” Or another man told me, “I just can’t get interested in a woman, if the chemistry is not there.” But here’s the problem, chemistry, or strong attraction, can blind you to other factors that are much more likely to lead to relationship success or failure.
Think about what is was in your past relationships that really caused you to be really happy or really miserable. Was it chemistry or was it something else? I don’t know about you, but I have been in relationships where the chemistry was great, but I was miserable. I have also been in a relationship where the chemistry grew stronger over time, because there were other things present that made me happy.
While interviewing a new client about her last relationship, she said that the attraction was so strong between her and her lover that she just knew that this was the one! She had never felt like this about anyone before! When I asked her why it ended she said that she finally could not ignore the fact that this man did not always tell the truth. It’s not that he lied, exactly. He would just omit little details to make things sound better than they were. Or he would tell her what she wanted to hear, rather than the whole truth. “It was not really a bald- faced lie!” she said. “He would just leave out little details or embellish a bit.” But in the end, she knew she could not live with this, because she couldn’t really trust what he said.
I asked her when she first knew this was happening. “Well, I sort of suspected it from the beginning, but for some reason I just ignored it.” And that’s why these Traps can be so damaging. The Chemistry Trap helped her to ignore a red flag that was clearly visible at the beginning of the relationship. If she had not believed that chemistry was a good reason to make a choice about a possible mate, she could have seen the red flag and saved herself a lot of time and heartache. She made an unconscious choice, ignored behavior that troubled her and paid for it in the end.
“Have you ever ignored stuff like this before because you felt you had great chemistry with someone?” I asked her. She thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “Well, yeah, I have, now that you mention it. In fact if I think about it, I only go out with men I have great chemistry with. I’m starting to see a pattern!”
And that’s the point. Making conscious choices in relationships results in no longer repeating unproductive patterns.
In order to avoid the Chemistry Trap and all the other dating traps you must become conscious and aware. You must know yourself and your values and what it is that allows you to feel loved, nurtured and cared for. You must have a clearly defined list of your requirements, needs and wants in a relationship and you must be ready and willing to say no to anyone who doesn’t fit the bill. This is a tall order and one that is not accomplished easily. In fact most people need help. That’s where the services of a coach come in.